Lines Between Living

Today marks 20 years since my oldest daughter’s passing to SIDS and I thought I’d share 20 things I wish people understood about grief:

1. “They’re in a better place” doesn’t make the missing stop. Both things can be true and still hurt.
   2. “Don’t be sad” is not comfort. It’s a request for your silence.
   3. “They wouldn’t want you to cry” maybe. But grief isn’t about what they want anymore. It’s about what love does when it has nowhere to go.
   4. “You’re lucky you have other children” is one of the cruelest things you can say to a grieving parent. Children are not interchangeable. Every single one is irreplaceable.
   5. “Just smile” means make me more comfortable with your pain.
   6. Grief has no expiration date. None.
   7. Twenty years later, that is still your person. That is still your baby. Time does not shrink that.
   8. It comes in waves. I can be fine right now and crying in an hour for no reason other than love.
   9. Sometimes the wave hits in the middle of a grocery store. Or a gym. Or a Tuesday morning.
   10. You learn to carry it, not lose it. It becomes part of how you walk through the world.
   11. Anniversaries are not just dates on a calendar. They are full-body experiences.
   12. The ones who feel it most are the ones who say the least about it.
   13. Grief is lonely. Not because no one cares, but because no one else loved them exactly the way you did.
   14. Sometimes I just need someone to say I’m here. That’s all. No fixing. No advice. Just I’m here.
   15. Silence from the people you expected to remember hurts in its own quiet way.
   16. Putting up a face is exhausting. But sometimes it’s how you survive the day.
   17. You don’t grieve less over time. You just get stronger between the waves.
   18. A favorite book, a song, a smell any of it can bring them back in a rush. That is not a breakdown. That is love.
   19. Grief is not weakness. It is the proof of how deeply you loved.
   20. My child will always be my child. In this world and the next. No amount of time, distance, or “looking on the bright side” changes that.

If you are grieving today, I see you. You don’t have to explain yourself. You don’t have to be okay. You just have to keep going, and you are.