What I’m Carrying vs. What I’m Choosing

There is a misconception that before we choose joy, creativity, adventure, or growth, we must first set down everything heavy.
As if life hands us a clean slate and says, “Now you may begin.”
That has never been my experience.
What I am carrying right now is not light.
There are bills that do not care how tired I am.
A deadline that sits in the corner of my mind no matter what else I am doing.
Early mornings that begin while most of the world is still asleep.
Conversations that are still unfolding inside my life.

Questions that have not found answers.

Responsibilities that do not pause because my heart needs a moment to catch up.
Some days it feels as though I am carrying an entire house on my back.
Yet somehow, I keep choosing things.
I choose the poetry class.
I choose to sit among strangers and talk about words as if they matter, because they do.
I choose to keep building Lines Between Living even when no one is asking me to.
I choose to write blog posts before dawn.
I choose therapy.
I choose difficult conversations.
I choose hope when cynicism would be easier.
I choose to make plans for a future that has not proven itself to me yet.
The strange thing is that none of these choices make the weight disappear.
The inquiries still exist.
The bills still arrive.
The uncertainty remains uncertain.
The grief still taps me on the shoulder when I least expect it.
The tension lives on.
Maybe that is the lesson I keep resisting.
Perhaps life is not asking me to become lighter before I move forward.
Perhaps it is asking me to carry what I must and choose what I love anyway.
I don’t know if that is strength.
I don’t know if it is stubbornness.
Most days I cannot tell the difference.
What I do know is this:
Tomorrow morning the alarm will ring long before sunrise.
The responsibilities will still be waiting.
And so will the poem.
Both are true.
I am carrying one.
I am choosing the other.